Thursday, July 14, 2005

Fear of 'this' part II .........

This happened to me since early this year, Bahija is afraid of 'old woman'. The definition of old woman here is one who is very old , face, hand kedut, hunchback, gigi-less, white or no hair kind of old old woman. Back home, I think this group of woman should be 65 and above ... first occurance, I met this old lady in church, I sinned the day before, so to me, it was a sign smack right in front of me - to teach me a lesson ... i was shocked, i was ashamed of myself, I was gulity, deep in my heart - I gementar. Followed by a couple of times whenever I met old ladies, every time, I just felt weird, my mood changed to low key, I felt uneasy, at certain point - i felt hopeless, fear, sakit hati seeing them growing so old ......it's just so sorrow, grief loh. Recent experience was 2 weeks ago, I met my colleague's Korean mother. It was such a nice fun event visiting his big home - all the way smiling, laughing, suddenly when his old aged mother walked out to greet me - the whole thing turned upside down, my smiles dissappeared, my heart filled with sadness and fear. It was such a horrible feeling ..... on my way back home, I gave a serious thought, what is wrong with me ?? why am I reacted this way ? what am I fear of ?
I'm into this synchronocity lately, signs are around me ( sometimes ). I think those old ladies reminded me of my sweetest mother. She is changing physically into those old aged woman - she is shrinking, shorter now, face, hands all have more wrinkles now.... When I talked this out with AR, he correctly pointed out that I'm afraid of old woman, fear of them, simply because my mother has been seeing doctors more frequently now - those stress running around fetching her - seeing variuos doctors, plus seeing her touturing herself with all sorts of medicines - scared me. Frankly, I'm in fear. I'm so scared of losing her ..which that day is reaching as we mature in life .... everyday when i wake up brushing my teeth , getting ready for another new day, my mother is ageing for another moment ....She is my best best friend ( even though there are a lot of things she cannot comprehend when I shared with her ....) , but for comfort, for support, for unconditional love - no one on earth can I turn to except her.... she is the most important woman in my life. I'm very close with her, so the fear is natural, recognizing this fear is good. I prayed for wisdom to translate this fear into positive energy - reminded me that I've got to appreciate her more, make her happy, help her to fulfil her wishes, do more simple little things to put a smile on her face - while she's here alive. I simply cannot regret for the rest of my life for not doing things I should have done for her .... my family has different type of challenges, and I reckon my mother has sacrificed her whole life for her kids - I'm where I am now all because of my parent and my family, and of course a lot of good friends around me as well. As I walk along my life journey, collecting all sort of treasures ( sweet and bad memories ) - this is a great reminder to me that my actions/my loves to my mum can only be 'present tense' and not future or past or past perfect tenses .....

1 comment:

anti-ringgit said...

Bahija, I am sure your mom recognised your effort to make her happy.

We all will grow old one day, but most important your mom and yourself leaves a GOOD LEGACY behind in this life.