家家有本难念之经

Bahija very busy lately, covering shifts for my counterparts who are on vacations and attended to family matters as well. Just 2 Saturday ago, Teddy Bear had a fit, fell down and sprained his waist. Poor thing, he was in pain. While sisters were busy with projects, I offered to bring him to doctor. I was sort of taking an easy way out, chose a new doctor near mum's house. Tuesday night, after mum's doctor appointment in Seapark, we went to the Kepong chiropractor. Teddy Bear wasn't recovering, he was scared of drinking water - as he didn't want to walk to washroom, he chose to lay on bed all day - as he's scared of the pain while walking. Thursday night, Lililatappong brought him to the same chiroprator again.... then dragged until last Saturday. We finally decided we had to visit the old chiropractor who is in Ulu Langat ....personally, I'm scare of this place, one has to wait hours. We spent 5 hours hot and torturing there - waited for a 20 minutes treatment, but luckily - it works, today, Teddy Bear can walk, engaging in his hobby - tearing newspapers :) Lesson learned - don't make him suffer, just bring him to the same chiropractor even though it's a super long wait and super jauh ......there is no easy way out !

It's also on Saturday, we received his GH's medical report that he has diabetes. I wasn't in good mood. First thing came to my mind was - there are more challenges, we, as a family, has to face now, time, effort and financially - for mum and Teddy Bear. Secondly, I truly pity Teddy Bear, he's taking 12 pills each day, non stop for years ....and soon, more to come ...is this insane ? Does he has a choice ?

Teddy Bear had high fever at the age of 28 days, before full moon. He had a fit, and mum brought him to a clinic. The doctor prescibed medicine, said nothing serious, asked mum to go home. Later, fever still there, mum went second time, and again, sent home. Third visit was after mid nite, shift switched, so mum got to see another doctor. This time, doctor quickly asked mum to admit Teddy Bear to hospital.......unfortunately, little did she know - his brain was damaged due to prolonged high fever, lacked of oxygen to his brain ...aiiii, he was just 28th days in this world. Was he fated to be like this ?

He was a slow learner during his early childhood. My parent was called to see the primary school headmaster after Teddy Bear attended a few days/weeks in Standard One. Headmaster asked my parent to send him to a special care school. I supposed that was the thunderstorm shock to my parent, that Teddy Bear was mentally handicapped. They ran around tried many doctors, different remedies, my mum even went all the way to India to see Sai Ba Ba - one of the Indian holy man ..there were many many stories and difficulties my parent went thru when I may not have born or when I was young ........they must be despaired at one point or many points in time ....

Now, Teddy Bear is 39 years old, he's like a giant baby to me ....though he's mentally retarded, but he knows who his family members are, he knows what love is ......when mum is sick, he shows sympathy, when mum is away, he misses her so much, when we are out and return home late, he will switch on the car porch lights, when salesmen come to house to sell things, he chase them away by saying 'no no no - go away' or he will just ignore them, when he is with all our nieces and nephews, he knows they are young kids, and he never pukul them or fight with them, instead he let them bulied him. When I was young, I was so so afraid to see him fighting his severe seizures, his hands, legs, lip turned black, white discharges from mouth, bleeding etc. I remembered crying watching him, it's a nightmare to me. As time goes by, his condition/behaviour changed, he experienced mood swing, behavior changes. Now he doesn't have severe seizure, but he has small small minor sub-seconds fits - well, this is good enough to cause tremendous pain to him. When he experiences fit, it's a brain fit - very very painful. You know how painful when you experience cramped leg .... don't you ? He used to have frequent seizures until he hit the glass door, or knocked on floors or hard objects - that need to rush him for mutiple sticthes. I was so phobia receiving house phone calls at one point, never know what happened next ....

He was on medication since I think 7 years old until now, non stop ....his medication caused him to sleep more, and many other side effects -including weight gained. There are many things / medical treatment we cannot do on him, the reason is simple - He cannot tell the side effects, he doesn't know the difference....thus rejected by doctors. Sometimes, I do feel frustrated when things not working out well for him, and when I'm over-burden running around for him. Then, who am I to have such feeling or say, when my mum devoted all her life for Teddy Bear. Aiiiii, this is what I called 'every household has a difficult book to read/translate' (家家有本难念之经). I'm indeed glad that my family members and extended members who are around town, all chipping in their time and effort, taking turns to help make things better for each other, without this strong family ties and assistance, life would be miserable, especially for me .....one who is impatience - and sakit hati facing Teddy Bear. Sometimes, I also wonder, would it be better if he gets to escape this suffer now, and be in eternity, with Daddy .......aiiiiii

I never want to take this as a 'burden', rather it is a challenge for us to overcome, or it could be an opportunity for us to get closer with each other - showing our love. Mum always said all her kids are doing relatively well now, all have stable income, jobs, families, good health, and the bad ones are borned by Teddy Bear or she thinks that she has to repay her debts for the sins she or we did in our previous lives......moving forward, though I'm sad, I'm down, but there are many people out there, having bigger problems than we are....so, I just have to treasure every single moment, stay positively. I thank Father Lord for giving me his strong message yesterday that I need to stay strong, bear the fruit of 'Peace' ..... inner peace and wisdom within myself - so that I can focus on handling challenges.